A man dies and goes to Heaven.
Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says,
"Ok, here's how it works. You need 100 points to
make it into Heaven. You tell me all the good
things you've done, and I'll award you a certain
number of points for each item, depending on
how good it was. When you reach 100 points,
you get in."
"Okay," the man says...."I was married to the
same woman for 50 years and never once
cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says Saint Peter,
"That's worth three points!" - "Three points?" he asks.
"Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithes and service."
"Terrific!" says Saint Peter, "That's certainly
worth a point." - "One point?!!
Hey, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a
shelter for homeless veterans!"
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " Saint Peter says.
"Two points?!!" the man cries.
"At this rate, the only way I'm going to get into Heaven is
by the Grace of God!"
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking
and the parrot said, "yes."
He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
I once saw a quaint inscription of a gravestone in an old British cemetery
not far from Windsor Castle. It read:
"Pause, my friend, as you walk by;
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so you will be;
Prepare, my friend, to follow me!"
I heard about a visitor who read that epitaph and added these lines:
"To follow you is not my intent,
Until I know which way you went!"
DON'T EVER TRY TO ARGUE WITH CHILDREN...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white then?"